What is self-care?

Put on your oxygen mask first.

I vividly remember my first flight. I was 17. My mom, who is notoriously afraid of flying, and I flew to North Carolina to visit Duke.

My mom was a nervous ball of energy. I, always the student, was oh-so-conscientiously following the flight attendant’s instructions. My eyes were darting between the attendant and the plane manual that she was referencing. I was excited and comfortable.

That is ... until I heard that line about the oxygen mask. You know the one. It’s something like, “Please put on your oxygen mask first before assisting anyone else.”

Do you remember how you felt the first time you heard that?!

I do. I felt … uncomfortable. Selfish. Nervous. Worried. Even scared.

Of course I would help my mom first! How could I help myself and leave her struggling by herself? And then I got it - if I pass out, I’ll be no help to her … or anyone else. I realized, I have to help myself first so that I’m then able to help others.

Putting your oxygen mask on first is an analogy for self-care. How does that analogy make you feel. Uncomfortable? Selfish? Nervous? Worried? Scared?

If you answered “yes,” I hear you! Those negative feelings are totally normal and totally natural. But self-care is positive. Truly! Read below for a definition of self-care and how it benefits you and your lifestyle.

What is self-care?

I think self-care is the meaningful practice of taking care of yourself and your needs: physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Taking time for self care will help you level up your body, heart, mind, and soul. Practicing self-care will help you fulfill your potential. And I’m all about your fulfilling your potential!

Were you expecting the definition of self-care to involve trips to the spa or yoga retreats? I hope I haven’t disappointed you! Don’t get me wrong - your self-care routine can certainly involve a massage or a downward dog. But good self-care is deeper than a gift certificate to a salon, spa, or studio.

You serve others all day long - at home, then at work, then at home again - because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

You pour yourself into your family. You pour yourself into your career. You pour yourself into your community. You give and give and give until you realize that you’ve been pouring from an empty vessel.

But if you practice self-care, you never have to get empty or feel empty. Self-care is the way you refill and recharge. After giving so much of yourself to the world, self-care is when you give back to yourself.

What self-care isn’t.

Self-care isn’t selfish.

(Uh uh … I am not telling you to stop taking care of everyone. I’m reminding you to take care of yourself. And when you do, you may surprise yourself by how much more you’re able to give.)

You may think it’s selfish because words that begin with “self” often get a bad rap. Self-absorbed. Self-centered. Self-involved. Self-important.

Sometimes, focusing on yourself can be confused with unattractive character traits like those. You’re taught to be selfless; so, paying attention to yourself may feel selfish. Or just plain wrong. You know that twinge of guilt when you’re doing something just for you?

Ladies?

Moms?

Honestly, you need to hear this. Self-care may be your most selfless practice. Because you can’t pour from an empty vessel. If you don’t take time for self-care, you simply won’t have anything else to give. You need to recharge and refuel so that you can keep pouring.

When you think of it that way, self-care should bring to mind some positive words that begin with “self,” like self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem.

Why is self-care important?

You have things to do and people to see! At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. That’s why self-care is important. You will not be as effective if you don’t take time to care for yourself and here’s why:

You want to avoid burnout, overwhelm, resentment, and fatigue.

As an MD, I feel compelled to give a bit of a disclaimer about burnout, overwhelm, resentment and fatigue. None of these is a clinical diagnosis. But they are often outcomes of skipping self-care. And feeling any of them sucks, but you can fix it without a doctor’s help.

Then, there’s depression. Depression is a clinical diagnosis. And it’s absolutely best addressed under the care of a doctor.

As I describe burnout, overwhelm, resentment, and fatigue, you may see signs of them in your life. And, hopefully, you can begin to imagine ways to pull yourself out of these feelings. If you can’t … if you feel helpless or hopeless, you may have depression. Please don’t hesitate to get help from a doctor.

Self-care prevents burnout.

Burnout is when you’re just … done. You feel unhappy, but more than that, you feel unenthusiastic. The things that you used to do with a little verve just don’t do it for you anymore. Because it’s enthusiasm that propels your forward.

You know that feeling when you have to do something that you just want to do? I’ll call it dread. When you routinely dread your daily activities, you may be experiencing burnout.

Self-care prevents overwhelm.

One way to think about overwhelm is busy-ness without much productivity. When you feel overwhelmed, you may be in constant motion but you’re just not getting anywhere. You can’t.  You’re overloaded. And it kinda feels like you’re stuck in the surf when the tide comes in. Like you could almost drown in your responsibilities and your never-ending to-do list.

This may sound like stress but overwhelm is more extreme. Stress is a normal and even healthy response to everyday life. Overwhelm isn’t. If you feel like you’re unable to meet the typical demands of your lifestyle, it may be overwhelm.

Self-care prevents fatigue.

Fatigue is a loss of energy: mental, physical and emotional. Mental fatigue, physical fatigue and emotional fatigue are different but they’re often related. For example, mental exhaustion can lead to physical exhaustion and vice versa.

Fatigue can also be a transition away from positive energy toward negative energy. Joy may become gloom. Excitement may become boredom. Vibrance might switch to dullness.

When you feel burned out or overwhelmed, fatigue is likely right around the corner. This may feel like unhappiness. It may feel like you could fall asleep while standing up. This loss of energy can even feel like physical pain including headache and chest tightness.

How do you feel? And how do you want to feel? The road between those two states - how you feel and how you want to feel - is paved with self-care.

Self-care prevents resentment.

Your health is your responsibility. No one else’s. Therefore, your self-care is your responsibility. And no one else’s.

You’re a caregiver, giving love and support to your family and friends around the clock. And you don’t reserve time for yourself because … you don’t have time. Or it feels selfish. Or whatever reason you tell yourself.

If so, you may fantasize that a loved one will sweep you off your feet, sit you down, and just spoil you for hours on end whilst doing all the things that you would normally be doing. And that may happen. (And, if so, good for you!) But it probably won’t, right?

So, what happens when you’re not rescued from the doldrums? Resentment. When you feel resentment, you may take the discontent that you feel inside and turn it outward … likely, to those whom you love.

You don’t want these negative feelings to fester in your relationships, right? Then, remember that optimizing your health is up to you and only you. And taking control of your health helps ward off resentment, fatigue, overwhelm and burnout.

Do something that’s just for you. Upgrade yourself.

Now, that you’re ready to take on practicing self-care, how? Where do you begin? I’ll give you a hint - self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all. But I’m excited to offer you a road map to get you from how you feel to how you want to feel. Click here for a 7-step road map to self-care that’s just right for you.